Small Changes

Joy doesn’t abound in my life right now the way it normally does. Usually I can feel it welling up in me so mightily that it flows over into every little thing I do. But right now, not so much. I’m not joyless (although it did reach that point a few days ago), but I’m not full of it and it’s not contagious the way it has been the past two years. Yet through that, God has spoken deep restorative peace and hope into my heart.

God has redeemed to me my music. Experiencing the joy of playing piano in the worship band Sunday at church was one of the best moments this semester. It made me sad for a brief moment again, the sadness of not having a life that is centered around playing piano hours every day. In the afternoon I got out my old piano books and had a music-nerd moment. It was just so good to feel the freedom of flying over the keys for people again.

He’s showing me that I am indeed beautiful. Not a beauty based in what the world says (thanks to high school, it’s very real to me that the world says I’m not pretty), but rather a beauty based on the fact that He tells me “you’re beautiful because I made you.”

On that note, I took my full-face fancy pants makeup off last night, and my first thought was “Wow, I look prettier without it.” Completely shocked me, and I stood there staring at myself for several minutes, doubting if I was really thinking that. But indeed, I really was.

And, on a similarly girly tangent, the long hair that once made me feel trapped in being someone I hated is now a complete joy to me. As it’s growing out from the boy-short hair I kept for a while, I’ve found that I love tossing my hair around and running my fingers through it.

I actually feel confident about school this semester. It’s not because I of myself am confident, but because He’s given me peace about it. I'm still not the smartest person in class, and I still don't get the highest test scores, but there's freedom in doing my personal best not for me, but to honor Him.

Also, I really, really love chocolate pudding cups from on campus.

I’ve never felt like people understand me, and yet this semester God has been opening doors for deepening friendships with people who seem to genuinely know me in one way or another.

I’ve always defined myself with the phrase “I have minor social anxiety.” I've also never really told people that, mostly because I never actually thought it out loud to myself. But it's true. Loud crowds often overwhelm me. It’s been a problem the past two years in homegroup, because when people get really loud and then crowd in close to me, I start having waves of anxiety that build and build, and then suddenly I’m snapping at people, and then it’s time to FREAK OUT! But God’s been ministering to me with deep peace, and now the phrase I use is “I’m recovering from social anxiety.”

Plus, my favorite time of year AKA CHRISTMAS is right around the corner!

All in all, I’m excited about the days ahead.