It’s that time of
year again. Today is a new day, new month, a new year. The past few days I’ve
been bombarded with “Welcome to 2014!” signs, “Happy New Year!” well-wishings,
and “Here’s to 2014 being better than 2013!” spoken with an attitude that is half-sarcastic
and half-mournful, smothered in projected hope.
I think that the
last one actually makes me sad in the long run. Was 2013 bad, or are we hoping
to get it even better suddenly?
Even as I say
that, I’m a hypocrite, because I myself am crying out for a 2014 that is
smoother than the heartbreak of 2013. Early on in the year, I lost the
friendship of a very close friend. My Nana died in September, and I still
grieve her. And the past two months, anxiety has been hitting me so hard that
sometimes the only word I feel is appropriate to apply to my broken state is
“miserable.”
Yes, for the
first time in my life, I have felt miserable this year. I’m definitely hoping
and praying for a 2014 that doesn’t leave me feeling so desolate.
But the blessings
of 2013 can never be forgotten.
I lost one best
friend, but gained two new ones, and deepening closeness to those other few
people in my “inner circle.” Oh, and I suppose I should also mention this
really awesome guy who told me he likes me and who I’m now dating… J
My Nana died, but
I know she’s dancing up there in heaven with her Faithful and True Love right
now.
The anxiety is
rough. I’m still figuring a lot of it out, and I don’t think I’m close to
defeating it. But taking part in suffering is slowly being revealed to my heart
as a beautiful thing to endure in; to be deemed worthy to suffer for the sake
of Him (if you’re ever wondering about that one, just check out the last three
verses of Acts 5! Such beauty).
The other thing I
heard all the time this week is the question, “Have any resolutions this year?”
Quite frankly,
not really. I gave up on those in high school because they last until about
mid-February on a good year, and about two weeks on a bad one. Granted there
are things I want to achieve – I think an obvious one is defeating this anxiety
– but none of them are really big enough to make a year-long resolution about.
Instead, all I
want is more of Jesus this year. More of His friendship, His closeness, His
truth. It’s not a resolution I can make, just a prayer that my desperate heart
can cry out and take faith in knowing He hears and will answer. I don’t want to
say this boastfully, for truly I say it desperately. I need Him more than I
need food, water, even air.
I almost did make
a list of resolutions, mainly “conquer anxiety and fear,” “have more
adventures,” “sacrifice more for others,” “do better in school,” “be a better
person,” and, haha, “get another piercing.”
But as I thought
over that mental list I was preparing, all that struck me was the emptiness of
it. Several of them will fall into place in my character as I desire and learn to
look more like Him. Adventures are always happening in life, and I don’t think
I actually need to pierce my ear for a fourth time. Not that making a list is
pointless – I’m all for it if you love to. I love lists and goals, sometimes a
little too much. But that’s just not what’s good for me, just Cassian, right
now.
My heart is too
broken right now for a list to get me back together. I need Intervention more
powerful than that.
And yet, I do
come to one solid resolve:
All I truly
desire out of 2014 is to fall more in love with Him than ever before.
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