At our church, the students go out for a retreat every fall. SCW. Spiritual Challenge Weekend. I've been able to go every year since I was a freshman, and each year it's been a good, strong time with homegroup and with God. This year it was good, but it was exceptionally hard for me.
We found DOGS! For college students who live in apartments where we're not allowed to have pets (like me), this is quite literally an answer to prayer. I've been pet-deprived for far too long, and needed some good animal-loving time. They smelled, they were wet, they shook nasty lake water all over us, and yet they were so sweet and so much fun. Getting there Friday, going exploring, and finding dogs was absolutely wonderful. Even if they did stink.
Saturday morning my anxiety returned full-swing. I'm so thankful for this kind-hearted girl who has been there through the worst of it and knows how to talk me through it, even when I'm being completely unreasonable. She did the best she knew how to, even when I'm sure she was ready to throw her hands up and tell me to stop being so wound up about everything. She kept extending patience to me, encouraging me, and helping me have a good time even in the midst of wave after wave of anxiety and tears.
The coolest thing about my homegroup is that we really love just hanging out together, spending time together...all of that. Saturday afternoon was refreshing and calm as some of the girls hung out on the porch to our dorm and laughed together with an "intruder" from another homegroup (AKA one of my roommates...check out the white jacket). I heard stories about some of them going down to the lake and getting in the canoes, one of the girls found a turtle shell and filled it with flowers (you can see it in the center of the large yellow spool-thing), and some of them napped in a near-by hammock.
I don't have a picture of it, obviously...but one of my favorite things was the fact that, when I did have to check into the emergency room, my very caring boyfriend didn't shy away from driving out to stay with me and take care of me.
But I do have our lovely, wonderful group picture!
Our little, freshly-multiplied* homegroup has exploded with some of the most amazing people ever. 20 people at SCW? Incredible! (Yes, there are 19 in the picture...but one of my girls is behind the camera. So...19 + 1 = 20!)
So, this is our side of the multiplication, the side that got the joy and stress of choosing a new name, the side that is packed mainly with sweet freshmen and hilarious sophomores, the side that experiences cross-cultural relationships for the first time since I've been in a homegroup, the side that has such a diverse group of studies, focuses, and passions.
And what did Jesus do in my life this weekend?
Well, he let me enter into a new season of anxiety.
He took me to the emergency room - both let me have to go, and also guided me there.
He let my little world start crashing and tumbling around me.
And yet, in that, HE IS GOOD.
How can I possibly say that? Because in each of those awful things that he let happen, he proved to me how consistent he is. He proved to me that he's always there. At our morning service time Sunday, one of the worship leaders read Matthew 7:24-27.
"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words on mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."
Honestly, I don't remember hearing the last two verses of that on Sunday, even though I'm...well, only 50% sure they were also read. Once I got to the foundation on the rock, I started crying and grasped one of my best friends' hands even tighter as my heart responded and I felt his tug.
"You've been built on the Rock. You're built on me," Jesus said, over and over, into my heart. "This weekend hit, and you didn't fall. You're built on me. You're built on me."
Life is going to be crazy. I'm sure it's not the last panic attack I'll have, or the last time I'll wind up in the emergency room. Although I personally hope future hospital visits are limited to any time I may give birth in the future, I know that the chances of that being the only thing to land me in there are slim.
I don't want to be the girl who built her house on the foundation of sand comprised of hoping against anxiety, relying solely on meds for it**, or trying to stay healthy, praying I never see the ER again.
I want to be the woman who chose the build on Jesus, and put my faith in his ability to get me through anything...and in his wisdom that anything he doesn't get me through will be for good, even then. I'm human, and there are many parts of my life still built on the sand. That topic could take up an entire post in and of itself. Yet for the first time, Jesus clearly showed me the parts of myself that are built on him. He showed me that he can take me through this (or let me go through it, if that's a better way to phrase it) and not collapse. Yes, I have a lot to process. Yes, my emotions were completely drained. I was scared. Being built on the rock doesn't mean I won't feel completely shaken. It means that my faith will remain completely rooted in him. It means that at the end of a terrible experience, I can still choose to sing hymns of praise and thankfulness, even if I'm still shaking over everything.
It's okay to shake. It's okay to experience bad things, difficult emotions, and hard seasons of life. Don't resist them, don't fear them: he will always get you through it. That's what being built on the rock looks like: Jesus, taking you successfully through the worst. The only way out is through. And a house - your house, your heart - built on the rock through faith in him and the work he does in us is a house that will weather through it all. The only way out is through.
*A quick note on homegroup jargon: "multiplied" means we came from another group. We were all Tatanka, once upon a time, but in March we multiplied (think...cell mitosis from biology) into two groups. The reason we did this is to allow more room for new people, new leaders, and keep the group (now groups) small enough to reach everyone. We ended the semester with 12 consistent members...and now we hit in the 20's each week so far. It's crazy.
**I have nothing against anxiety medication. I know many people for whom it has been one of the most helpful tools in fighting through and getting out of a season of anxiety. My point is that I don't want to put my faith in the medicine. It's a tool, and a great one. But it's not a foundation.
I don't have a picture of it, obviously...but one of my favorite things was the fact that, when I did have to check into the emergency room, my very caring boyfriend didn't shy away from driving out to stay with me and take care of me.
But I do have our lovely, wonderful group picture!
So, this is our side of the multiplication, the side that got the joy and stress of choosing a new name, the side that is packed mainly with sweet freshmen and hilarious sophomores, the side that experiences cross-cultural relationships for the first time since I've been in a homegroup, the side that has such a diverse group of studies, focuses, and passions.
And what did Jesus do in my life this weekend?
Well, he let me enter into a new season of anxiety.
He took me to the emergency room - both let me have to go, and also guided me there.
He let my little world start crashing and tumbling around me.
And yet, in that, HE IS GOOD.
How can I possibly say that? Because in each of those awful things that he let happen, he proved to me how consistent he is. He proved to me that he's always there. At our morning service time Sunday, one of the worship leaders read Matthew 7:24-27.
"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words on mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."
Honestly, I don't remember hearing the last two verses of that on Sunday, even though I'm...well, only 50% sure they were also read. Once I got to the foundation on the rock, I started crying and grasped one of my best friends' hands even tighter as my heart responded and I felt his tug.
"You've been built on the Rock. You're built on me," Jesus said, over and over, into my heart. "This weekend hit, and you didn't fall. You're built on me. You're built on me."
Life is going to be crazy. I'm sure it's not the last panic attack I'll have, or the last time I'll wind up in the emergency room. Although I personally hope future hospital visits are limited to any time I may give birth in the future, I know that the chances of that being the only thing to land me in there are slim.
I don't want to be the girl who built her house on the foundation of sand comprised of hoping against anxiety, relying solely on meds for it**, or trying to stay healthy, praying I never see the ER again.
I want to be the woman who chose the build on Jesus, and put my faith in his ability to get me through anything...and in his wisdom that anything he doesn't get me through will be for good, even then. I'm human, and there are many parts of my life still built on the sand. That topic could take up an entire post in and of itself. Yet for the first time, Jesus clearly showed me the parts of myself that are built on him. He showed me that he can take me through this (or let me go through it, if that's a better way to phrase it) and not collapse. Yes, I have a lot to process. Yes, my emotions were completely drained. I was scared. Being built on the rock doesn't mean I won't feel completely shaken. It means that my faith will remain completely rooted in him. It means that at the end of a terrible experience, I can still choose to sing hymns of praise and thankfulness, even if I'm still shaking over everything.
It's okay to shake. It's okay to experience bad things, difficult emotions, and hard seasons of life. Don't resist them, don't fear them: he will always get you through it. That's what being built on the rock looks like: Jesus, taking you successfully through the worst. The only way out is through. And a house - your house, your heart - built on the rock through faith in him and the work he does in us is a house that will weather through it all. The only way out is through.
*A quick note on homegroup jargon: "multiplied" means we came from another group. We were all Tatanka, once upon a time, but in March we multiplied (think...cell mitosis from biology) into two groups. The reason we did this is to allow more room for new people, new leaders, and keep the group (now groups) small enough to reach everyone. We ended the semester with 12 consistent members...and now we hit in the 20's each week so far. It's crazy.
**I have nothing against anxiety medication. I know many people for whom it has been one of the most helpful tools in fighting through and getting out of a season of anxiety. My point is that I don't want to put my faith in the medicine. It's a tool, and a great one. But it's not a foundation.
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