In the Face of Anxiety

I feel very out of place.

All of the other students – 5 of them, 3 girls and 2 young men – sit across the waiting room in lounge chairs. They all look either unconcerned or absent-minded as they stare at their smart phones. I remain alone, in a row of chairs outside the double-door opening through the middle of the room, staying as far away from them as I can.

Both of the men are called back relatively quickly, one at a time. The first one disappears out the nearly opaque glass door with a woman in her mid 40’s, the second with a man who looks like he’s in his late 30’s.

I look back down at my phone, trying to ignore the fact that even though everyone here has some sort of important reason, I feel like the only one who can’t handle life.

I know that’s not true. But it feels like it.

Bullied, Broken, Bruised

“You shouldn’t get those pants. Your legs are too long for skinny jeans, and they make your butt look weird.”

I look at my reflection in the dressing room mirror, turning from side to side to ponder her words. I don’t think I look bad in them; actually I quite like this pair.

“No, I don’t think so. I think I’ll get them.”

She rolls her eyes. “Come on, Cassian, you’re supposed to trust your friends here. You’re going to look like you’re trying too hard if you wear them. I thought you wanted to learn how to dress better?”

With another glance in the mirror, I start to see what she means about the pants.

Small Changes

Joy doesn’t abound in my life right now the way it normally does. Usually I can feel it welling up in me so mightily that it flows over into every little thing I do. But right now, not so much. I’m not joyless (although it did reach that point a few days ago), but I’m not full of it and it’s not contagious the way it has been the past two years. Yet through that, God has spoken deep restorative peace and hope into my heart.

Taking Flight

The truth is, I hate blogs.