"Something You Regret Not Having Done Last Year"

The second prompt of this writing challenge.

2. Something You Regret Not Having Done Last Year

Wow. That's a difficult prompt. All at once, there are many things, and yet nothing. I'm not someone who dwells on things I regret doing or not doing, because, truly, I want to live a life without regretting anything. Things that would be regrets to others are things I simply acknowledge and take into consideration for future actions. I think "regret" is a poor choice of words. Many things fall under "things I wish I had done" or "things I wish I hadn't done," but even then, none of those are true regrets.

Anyway, let me get off of my soap box of why I choose not to regret things and actually answer the question.



Something I wish I had done.

You know, I think my answers feel like they should normally be something like "given more time to people," "spoken more boldly," or "been more passionate." And in many ways, that is the answer. I can easily break my year of 2014 into two sections: first, the spring and summer, where times with God were wonderful and struggles were in the flesh; and second, the fall, where times with God were sparse, difficult, few and far between, and struggles of my heart were abounding as if they were weeds fed a tablespoon of fertilizer.

And so, I think I have two answers.

The first is from my first part of 2014, where I do wish I had given up a fear of man in order to give more of myself to others, become tired so that they may have some rest, and speak truth in love.

But the second answer from the second part of this past year goes so much deeper. Yes, there are many times I wish I had given more time to people. There were many times I felt there was something I should say, but I stopped myself out of fear of man. And passion is hard to categorize and quantify, especially since it appears in everyone differently, but there were many times when my tired and weary heart needed a fresh boost of passionate love. But in the end, all of these areas go back to one thing, one reason I was struggling with them: not spending enough time with Jesus. I still saw Him moving through me, using me to encourage others, speak His words to them in prayer, and use me to share an image or a word with them. But that intimate, secret breath that he brings to my life was hidden from me by my own doing. Indeed, the biggest thing I would change about 2014 is simply to tell a younger, wearier Cassian that she needs to continue basking in His presence and soaking up His Word.

None of this second answer invalidates the struggles from the first. I'm very thankful for 8 months of my year where the struggles were fleshly and selfish, and less were rooted in my heart. Granted, we always have struggles rooted in our heart, but as many areas of my heart were more aligned with Jesus, He brought them forth sooner, before they began manifesting the way they did through the fall. This is exactly why I can now stand on the other side of a season where the only times I felt Him in my life were when I was ministering to others and say that the most important thing you'll ever have in your life is time with God.

I can't emphasize it enough. My life is completely different when I'm not with Him regularly. It breaks my heart when I hear so many people around me give reasons why they don't want to spend time with him.

The TV is better.
Games are better.
Too busy.
Too tired.
They don't hear him speak to them.
They're afraid.
Is he there?
Is he real?

My dear friend, all of those are valid reasons that we feel. But quite frankly and boldly let me just say, they aren't good enough. The greatest, "goodest" thing you need in your life is Him, and there's no reason that's "good enough" to overcome the goodness that is Jesus, and the goodness that will overflow into your life with Him.

Now, I'm a blunt person at times, so bear with me while I share a blunt rebuttal to these things.

The TV and your game system will burn in the end, and you don't take them to Heaven with you. They're a tool to be used to enjoy time relaxing, not meant to be abused to keep you separated from God.

God invented the concept and application of time, and he's Lord over that as well. Finding time with him through the busiest of schedules is completely possible when we ask Him for it.

God also invested and designed your body, and more than that, He is true rest. Go check out Matthew 11:28-30.

God speaks to everyone differently. Just because He doesn't speak to you with words or pictures as he does the person next to you does not mean He's not speaking to you! He speaks through nature, circumstances, other people, His Word, your dog, your cat, a squirrel, the sunshine - anything He knows that you'll hear him from! He doesn't want you to hear Him a certain way - He wants you to hear Him. The sentence ends there, and He's already doing everything He can to catch your attention. I will add this: we, as humans, see the words "speak" and "hear" and instantly think it'll be with words and audible. God is far too creative to be limited to words and noises, so don't let that be a hinderance in searching for how He is communicating with you.

Fear. Yeah, that's a hard one. I've been through many valleys of fear, and often fear is the quickest way to incapacitate me. But one things I have learned over and over is that no fear is as big as the fear - reverence - of the Lord, and no other thing should be an idol above that awe of Him. Furthermore, Jesus was completely man whilst still being completely God, and so it's impossible for Him not to understand fear. In fact, I know He understands it quite well.

And to the question of if he's real and if he's there, I've struggled for a long time with knowing how to answer this. I'm an engineer, and so I love tactile things, answers to questions, and solving problems. I've felt insufficient and inadequate when asked this question in the past, because I could never provide a tactile answer, one you can touch and feel and prove. And yet, here I am, the biggest answer to the question staring me in the face now. First of all, He's real because He says so. It takes less faith to believe in God than it does any other explanation for everything existing. I don't want to debate science here, but I did want to state that before exclaiming, from a deep place in my heart, that the biggest reason I currently believe in God, know He's real, and know He's with me is as simple as this: I've now seen my life without Him in it daily. And life like that sucks. It's not a figment of my imagination to see everything that he does in my heart and life, because I've seen life without that constant stirring and, just as the shadow proves the sunshine, the absence of close intimacy proved again the need for deep, honest, and true communion with my Savior.

My dear, He will go to you through any reason why you don't want to face Him. He's gentle, kind, warmhearted, awe-inspiring, fearsome, wonderful, and the epitome of love as well as so many other things that would take a whole sky full of parchment to write less than half of.

My heart cries out to you, keep pressing into Him. Just keep going. And don't do it alone, either. We need community almost as much as we need Jesus - but that's a topic for another time. The point is...just keep going. There are many things that stop us, but God truly is bigger than each of those. We just have to choose to let Him move and prove His might. I know from an aching in my heart for you to know Jesus better - not only better than you know Him now, but better even than I or anyone else know Him - an aching that He's shared with me - that He thirsts for time with you.

And so, in so many way, it really is as simple as this: knowing Jesus. An aching in my heart for time with Him bleeds over and influences all the other areas that I wish I was "more" in. Jesus truly does have the answer to everything, it just may not be what we expect it to be. Actually, it often isn't what I expect it to be. Sometimes the funniest image contains the most of God's character and is completely different than what I expected, and yet wows me and moves me to tears.

And so, as with everything else I "regret" in life, I'm going to let it influence my future instead of spending energy regretting the past. A future without Him is hopeless, and so here's to all of 2015 - and beyond - being filled with Him.